True Confessions...

I'll confess something to you... I've been noticing my impatience with the kids lately. I try to notice and tell myself to do a "re-do". What I used to do when I blew it was walk away and beat myself up in my head. I'd say, "What's wrong with you Michele? You think you'd know better by now!" But guilting myself out only keeps me in a negative cycle and is so unproductive. I find it much more helpful to just stop and observe my negative behavior rather that judge it, and then immediately retrain my body memory by having myself do a "re-do". I tell myself exactly what I'd tell my kids if they were impatient and disrespectful. "Whoa, you want to try that again with respect?" Then I take a deep breath and do a "re-do". If I've blown it with a person, it also involves an apology on my part. It's so easy to form a negative habit, but I'm learning it's just as easy to replace them with positive ones. I also try to make time at some point to think about what might be driving my negative behavior. What am I feeling? What do I need? What is causing the stress or fear that is driving my negative behavior? 

Lately, I think I've been short and impatient because I've been overwhelmed. I'm doing too much and not getting enough sleep. Recently, I took on a side job to help a neighbor decorate her daughter's room. Also this week, my husband is out of town for work. The girl's spring sports have just started and if that's not enough, all our family's dental appointments and annual doctor appointments happen to fall in the next few weeks. I'm adding on extra things, with one less set of hands, and trying not to let go of any of my normal responsibilities. I think when I take on extra projects every now and then, or Keith is traveling and I lose my extra set of hands, I need to reassess and choose to lay down, for a time, a few things that I normally do. At first glance, it can appear that there is nothing I can put down, but if I look a little more closely and am honest with myself, I realize there are a lot of things I can delete from my schedule, even if it's just temporarily. For instance, I can lay down cooking, cleaning, bathing, sleeping... hee hee hee.  Okay, seriously, I can limit my time on the computer. (...after I finish this of coarse.) I love to read and write and there are so many great resources that can eat up my time on there. For me, it can be like a Calgon bath and take me away. I get on to just check a few emails and then 2 hours later... Whatever did we do before computers? I can forgo staying up late to watch some of my favorite shows that I taped. Whatever did we do before we recorded shows? I can turn off my cell phone. Whatever did we do before cell phones? I can simplify the meals I plan that week. I'll still cook, but just make simple meals. The kids favorites are the easy ones anyway.

In today's world with all it's distractions, I'm convinced that if we are not intentional about what we give our time to, we will not have time for the most important things. My goal is to give my husband and each of my children at least 10 minutes of  'focused, fun, all about them time' each day. I want them to genuinely know, without a doubt, that they are precious, cherished, and valued! It's not easy with a husband and 5 kids (4 still at home), to make time for each of them every day, but there is really nothing more important that I could do with my time. Not only does it fill their love tank, but it fills mine as well. We are created for relationships, we are created to love one another, there is nothing more fulfilling! We sometimes think, I just don't have time, but I've learned that we always have time for what's most important to us. 

Last, but certainly not least, if my love tank is empty and not getting filled, I have nothing to give. I need time with my Father every day. Not in a legalistic way, but in a father / daughter taking their daily walk in the garden kind of way. My Father offers me ' focused, fun, all about me time' each day as well. I look forward to our special time when He assures me that I am precious, cherished, and valued, not because of what I do or don't do, but because I'm His daughter. Those times with Him fill me, sustain me, and overflow to those around me.

Love one another as I have loved you... Jn 13:34

I’m learning that loving people is the path to helping others find a meaningful relationship with Jesus. When I love as He loves, others can actually experience who God is through me. As I reflect God's love, people can’t help but be introduced to Him. I used to try to share my faith with a lot of words and scriptures. I tried to live out (as well as impose on others) godly principles, obligations, and rules. I thought a relationship with God was all about “doing what’s right and avoiding what’s wrong”. I thought the goal was to get to heaven and avoid hell. I lived in the question that the pharisees lived in, “What must I do to have eternal life?” Then I realized, the reason Jesus always seemed to be answering a different question than they were asking was because they were asking the wrong question. They were looking at life through the wrong lens. Jesus was trying to get them to change their whole paradigm. If you think that you have to “do” something to earn it, you will stay on that exhausting treadmill that never gets you anywhere. You will always feel conditionally loved (which is not love at all). It’s not about what you must do, but about seeing what’s already been done. It’s about opening your eyes to how loved you are. About seeing your true unsurpassable worth through His eyes as well as seeing others unsurpassable worth. 


Our salvation is not based on being good or bad, right or wrong, in or out. Salvation is a work that was done for us 2000 years ago. It's not something to work toward, but to wake up to, so we can walk in security and freedom, manifesting who we are... children of God. We are loved no matter what choices we make, that is settled. Our choices matter in so far as they carry natural consequences that can bring us and others either pain and suffering, or healing and wholeness. God cares about our choices because He cares about us. He, like any good parent, only wants what will bring His children the fullest life possible. 


Language like “right/wrong, good/bad, in/out” all have to do with eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. We were never meant to eat from that tree. When we eat from that tree, we ask all the wrong questions because we come from a place of fear and judgement instead of from a place of love. When we live our life from the tree of knowledge of good and evil instead of the tree of Life, we are deceived and live independent of Him. We end up trying to save ourselves. We don't see the truth of what has already been done for us, and therefore, can't enjoy the freedom and security of walking with Him and resting in Him.       


My husband and I have 5 children, three biological sons who are now in their 20′s, and 2 daughters we adopted from China that are 10 and 6. As my older children hit their teen years, my religious world came crashing down. The “formula” didn’t work. I couldn’t understand. We raised our children in church from birth. In fact, it consumed most of our time. We fed them scriptures and tried to model the “good” christian life…  When my children began to struggle, I felt frustrated. When they did wrong, I was disappointed in them, and when they did right, I was proud of them. I figured that's how God felt about me when I did right or wrong. I reflected the image I had of my Father. I viewed Him as a conditional lover, someone to fear if I didn’t do what was right. 


As I'm getting to know my Father's true nature, I’m reflecting a completely different image. I’m beginning to love my kids where they are.  I'm learning to crawl into their pain with them and really listen to them. I'm realizing that I can validate their feelings without condoning their actions. As I reassure them of their preciousness in the midst of their mess, and remind them that our love and God’s love for them never changes, it sets them free to be honest with themselves. I'm discovering that walking with them in love has far greater impact than shaming them ever did. Shame and condemnation seek to control external behavior. Walking in love opens a door for trust and influence.


Psychiatrists say there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear.  All other emotions stem from one of these two primary emotions. Fear and love cannot co-exist. As I begin to get a glimpse of how perfectly I am loved, fear is being driven out. God says, perfect love drives out fear. I have spent too much time in the past operating from a place of fear because I believed it was more powerful than love. I was wrong. Love is much more powerful. The best fear can offer is temporary conformity. It never actually heals what is driving the behavior. Love is a better way, love transforms. 

I love this quote...

"Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I really need it."

These are a few of my favorite things...

I recently read something on one of my favorite websites. The writer said, "Write down 5 things that bring you joy, love, peace, relaxation, and healing. What do you do that brings these things into your life?" "Hmmm", I thought, "good question".  So I sat quietly and thought of 5 things. Then I read on and it said, "You can't just think of 5 things, you need to write them down." (Busted!) "Writing it down has more impact at an unconscious level. It makes it more real. It gives you a moment to plant a seed..." So I'll wait while you get a pen. This is pretty powerful! Really, don't be lazy, get up and get a pen.


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Okay, I trust that you wrote yours down before you read mine...


Here are 5 things that bring me joy, love, peace, relaxation, and healing...


1.) Spending time with my family, laughing, dancing, eating, watching movies, listening to my kids entertain us with their music, poetry, drawings, dancing, singing, funny stories... It brings joy, love, and healing into my life.


2.) Sitting outside with a cup of coffee and looking at God's magnificent creation. It relaxes me and I feel connected to my creator. I feel peace and can reflect on where I am and where I'm going.


3.) Running. It gives me energy, health, releases stress, and invigorates me. I love to listen to spiritual podcasts while I'm running that help give me perspective about things that really matter. Or sometimes I just leave the ipod at home and just talk to God about what's going on and then just be quiet and listen... Sometimes when I'm going through something really tough, I cry while I'm running. I don't recommend this, it's really hard to breathe when I do that, but sometimes I just need a good cry!


4.) Reading and writing. I always have a book I'm reading and a whole list of books I'm going to read. I crave to learn about the things I'm passionate about, God, family, adoption, parenting... I need to write. Writing is an outlet for me. It's one of the ways I connect with God. It helps me to get honest, go deeper, and process what I'm feeling. It's very healing for me.


5.) Decorating, it's relaxing and interesting to me. I'm drawn to it like a magnet. I love to look at decorating blogs and magazines. I can remember as a little girl spending hours decorating my barbie townhouse. I love to go to Barnes and Noble and get a cup of hot tea and thumb through magazines with a friend. It's a great little escape. When I walk into a home, my eyes tend to catch all the details of a room. I can't explain how if feels to pull a room together. I love trying to figure out how to create order, balance, function, warmth, and beauty in a space with colors, fabrics, textures, shapes, and lighting. It's a rush!


Okay now, write down when the last time was that you did each one of the 5 things that you wrote down and how often you do them. 


Here's mine:


1.) This weekend I laughed (and cried), ate, danced, baked, and watched movies and was thoroughly entertained by my family (see my other blog for proof!)


2.) 2 weeks ago when the weather was warm I sat on my covered deck with a hot cup of coffee enjoying  the beauty and silence. Unfortunately when the weather is cold, I don't do that enough.


3.) I ran today because it's Monday. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I go running.  On Monday's and Wednesday's I run with my ipod, and on Friday's I run without it. I know, I know, I'm a bit of a schedule freak. And ya wanna know what else? I only go to the grocery on Thursdays and try to only schedule appointments on Tuesdays, if I can help it. Every Friday my family goes out to dinner together and Saturday's  are family time. Sunday's we have a fellowship group that meets in our home. So there, now ya know. Some may call this OCD, I like to think of it as excellent time management skills that make my life less stressful and keep my schedule from getting overbooked.


4.) I read something every day and write several times a week, whether it be blogging, journaling, emailing, or writing in the current book I'm reading. I just wrote all over one this morning and am blogging right now!


5.) I guess my last big decorating spree was over Christmas when I got new furniture. Of coarse it had a trickle effect on every room in the house. You see, when I move a room around, I have to pull things from other rooms until I get it right. But then that leaves the other rooms not right anymore. You can see my dilemma...  Oh, wait, that wasn't the last time I decorated. I was just in Marietta for the weekend visiting my sisters. Whenever I come to town, their husbands see me and start fighting over whose house I will stay at (neither one want me) because they know if I stay at their house it will look different when I leave. It's like my brother-in-law Ray says, "When she walks in the room, I can see her eyes immediately start scanning the room to see what she wants to change." It's not true, I'm just taking in all the details. Besides, I can't take all the blame, when my sisters and I get together, it's like there's a force that's greater than us. Except for Dawn, it doesn't interest her in the least. Lucky Tom. As far as how often I look at decorating magazines or blogs, it's kind of like eating really fattening dessert. I try to have self control and save that for special occasions. It's like I tell my kids "Do what ya gotta do, before ya do what ya wanna do." (I got that from Denzel Washington) Or like mom and dad always told us, "You need to eat everything on your plate before you get dessert." Same principle. I treat myself to it when I feel like everything and everyone is taken care of.


I hope you enjoyed this little exercise. I actually took it a step further for myself and wrote down 5 things that ultimately steal the joy, love, peace, rest, and health from my life. Then I wrote down how often and when the last time was that I did those things. It was very eye opening.  If your first and second lists are the same, you may want to rethink your first list... some things give us an illusion that they'll bring us joy, but in reality they're just fleeting pleasures that are destructive and leave us feeling empty.


Can I have a redo? That was kind of a sour note to end the blog on. Let's try that again.


We get to choose the kind of life we want to live. God gives each of us that freedom. Slow down and make time for the things that bring joy, peace, relaxation, love and healing into your life and delete whatever ultimately steals those things from you. (There, that's better.)

This video is from the city where my precious Emma was found...

Just double click the address below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5lhH9sPITM&feature=youtu.be

Finding peace...

I just read a great Brian Post entry this morning. Brian is a social worker who has a website that promotes love based parenting. He basically said, don't look for peace later... find it NOW by accepting your children as who they are and loving them as they are. This will bring peace. When we have expectations for the way things "should be" as opposed to an acceptance of the way they are, we live in a state of stress. (I personally think this is the secret of being content in every situation). He said, find hope in knowing that love always has the potential to heal. I like that, it simplifies things for me. My job is not to "fix" my children, but to accept and love them where they are and let love nurture and heal them into all they were created to be.


When I was a kid I was terrified of roller coasters. Despite my fear, I made myself get on this really scary one that had 2 or 3 loops. I remember holding onto the bar so tight that my knuckles turned white. My whole body was so tense that it ached and I felt nauseous. Then it dawned on me that no matter how tightly I gripped the bar, I couldn't save myself if the darn thing flew off the track. I decided to get off, but it was too late, it had already started to roll. I had a choice to make, I could either waste a lot of energy on trying to control a situation that was out of my hands or I could just surrender and accept my fate. I chose to relax and let go... Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. I leaned back and closed my eyes and let go. To my surprise, I had the ride of my life. It was awesome! I learned a valuable lesson that day.

I've often gone back to that moment again and again when I realize I'm white knuckling it through life. Trying to control the outcome of things is an exhausting and painful way to live. It sucks all the joy out of life. I've found that accepting where I am, letting go, and trusting that I'm in greater hands than my own is the path to peace.

A divine encounter at a little chinese take-out restaurant, of all places!

On Friday night, Keith had to work late and the girls and I went into town to pick up some chinese take-out. It was a little late for us to be eating. The restaurant was pretty empty except for a little old man with white hair sitting at a table. The girls and I went in to pick up our food and I decided to add some wonton soup to our order. As I waited, I asked the worker behind the counter if he had heard from Yuki. 


Yuki was a teenager when I met her. She came over from China without her parents to earn some money to send home. She lived with a bunch of relatives in a tiny town home. We became friends one day when Ellie and I went in there for lunch. (This was before we brought Emma home). Anyway, she noticed Ellie was Chinese and came up and asked me why I decided to adopt from China. She sat down at the table and I told her my story. She asked me if I was a christian and if I could tell her more about Jesus and the bible. We met at McDonald's a few times, and then she invited me to her home. When I walked into her little town house I noticed there was no furniture. There were only boxes to sit on. I said, "Oh, did you just move in?" She said, "No, we've lived here a while." She showed me around. Several relatives all lived there together. They slept on mattresses on the floor. As we got to know each other, she offered to help me and Ellie learn chinese and asked if we would help her with her english. I had been listening to some cd's a friend loaned me and tried to impress her with the Chinese phrases I had learned. She laughed so hard. 


Later that summer,  she came over and I gave her swim lessons. After we swam, she cooked us some chinese dumplings. Then we looked at the photo album of us in China getting Ellie.  She seemed really sad. I said, "Are you okay Yuki?" She said that she was homesick and asked if she could lie down for a little while.  That night, when I took her home, she said she was going to get married. I said, "Wow, you're so young!" I asked her where she met the guy. She said she met him through a matchmaker. She told me that my daughter, even though Chinese, would grow up American and marry an American. She said she wanted to marry a Chinese man because she was more comfortable with her culture. She said in a small town it was hard to meet Chinese men, so she went to a matchmaker. She had only met the man she was going to marry twice. He lived in Minnesota. I asked her if she loved him. She said that American's marry for love and that it doesn't seem to last. She said, she told the matchmaker traits she was looking for in a guy and the matchmaker matched her with someone who was looking for a girl with the traits she had to offer. It all seemed so matter of fact.  Sometimes Yuki seemed so young and other times she seemed like an old soul.


Anyway, when I asked the young man behind the counter about Yuki, he had trouble answering me because of the language barrier. However, the little white haired man said, "Did you say Yuki?" I said, "Yes!" He said, "I'm her guardian." He told me that he and his wife had taken the whole clan into their home. He was the owner of the town home they lived in and they became friends. He used to be a green barrette in the service when he was a young man and traveled quite a bit. He said he could speak their language. He and his wife have a tri-level home with a kitchen on each floor and live on several acres of land. He showed me pictures on his iphone of his home and his land. He said that he loves to garden. He showed me pictures of all his flowers and prize winning vegetables. He showed me a stacked stone wall he built by hand. Then he showed me pictures of his wife who is now in hospice. He was so kind and gentle, he just made me want to open up to him. I told him that I was going through some difficult things right now too. He put his hand on my arm and looked me in the eye and said, "I talk to God all the time, but there are 2 short little prayers that I constantly ask Him.  I ask God to help me love people as He loves them, and I ask God to let me see myself as He sees me." Then he gave me a sweet hug. (Gulp)


That night, I had a heavy heart as I drove to pick up chinese take-out.  I never expected such a divine encounter. I don't think God was surprised by it however.  One time I read, "Life is a series of divine appointments, not accidents. Each interaction we have is a divine appointment set in advance by God. How are you going to conduct these divine meetings today?"