Saturday, May 9, 2015

A letter to someone dear to me...

Oh, that's tough about (won't use child's name). Bless his heart, he needs his father to be the parent, his guide, his protector. I'm sure he feels betrayed. And I'm sure after the fact, (the father) felt huge remorse, guilt, and embarrassment. Been there! I have a thing with my kids. When we blow it, we ask for forgiveness and if we could have a redo. On a small scale it might look like... One of my kids is disrespectful or sassy with me. I ask her if she'd like to try that again, but with respect. She is free to have her feelings and communicate those to me, but in this household we respect one another. Or I might lose it with the kids and when I realize I'm using power over them rather than coming under them with a spirit of humility, respect, and love, I ask if I could have a redo. I feel like what I model, I'll get back from them and believe how we live is the most powerful teacher, not what we say. I'm still in the midst of a pharisectomy. Trying to root out that old way I used to parent the kids using shame, guilt, and manipulation to get them to behave like I wanted. I could control their behavior through fear, for a time, but it never transformed their hearts, and it did not provide a spirit of openness, safety, and trust in our relationship which would allow me influence in their lives. It only made them hide their stuff from me. I think when you break your trust with your kids, as every parent does, because we are human, you get the powerful opportunity to demonstrate repairing what you broke. I believe it's even more powerful than being a perfekt parent. (Which we know doesn't exist!) I have a stronger relationship with my boys now than I ever have. The last 10 years (and I'm now 50), my relationship with my boys that I almost destroyed because I parented out of fear, has completely changed. I have owned my brokenness and apologized and began rebuilding.

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