A note to a friend...

You've been on my mind all day. I loved hanging out with you on Sunday! Thanks for being so vulnerable with me. Makes me feel even closer to you!

You mentioned a sense of sadness you've been feeling. I remember when it began to dawn on me that so much of the beliefs that I had held so tightly to for pretty much all of my adult life were crumbling beneath me. It shook my entire world! Not only did it grieve me for myself and Keith, but for what we had passed on to our children. It has been a bittersweet awakening. On one hand, I feel like letting go of religion (not leaving the institution, but giving up religious performance) has been similar to someone opening up the jail cell and setting us free, and yet there is a part of me that still grieves the felt safety and security of what that "system" promised. Having a formula made me feel a sense of control. (Living by sight is much easier than living by faith.) They say you go through all the stages of grief with any loss, whether it be a penny or a loved one. Even now, when I see people that were so much a part of my life for 20 years, I leave the conversations with a heavy heart, because I miss the unity we once shared.

I think we may have had that whole "one another" thing a little upside down. Maybe it's supposed to be about processing our journey's together with all the hope, grief and confusion it entails, rather than trying to "fix and perfect" one another. I'm beginning to see others on this journey as fellow sojourners who, may have awakened to some things that I'm still not awake to. Or maybe God has shed some light in places for me, where for them, there is still darkness. When I see it that way, it helps me not to judge them or feel like it's up to me to prove something to them. I feel like if our lives intersect, and conversations happen, light may be shed into some dark places in each others lives. And as the light increases, so does the freedom, rest, peace, joy... the abundance of life. 

I liked Dan's question on Sunday, "What does it mean to be a christian?" I've been mulling that question over in my mind. As I said, I don't like terms and labels, because they mean something different for everyone. I guess if you asked me what I believe at this moment in time, I'd say, I think Christ came to set us free from every religion, even the christian religion. I don't think He'd approve of how people use religion to separate themselves. I believe we were all created to have a personal relationship with our creator. I do believe that one way the invisible God revealed Himself to humanity and showed us how to relate to Himself was through Christ. But I also believe He continues to reveal Himself to humanity in countless other ways. For me, the incarnation of Christ is all about Him crawling inside our world and loving us at our worst. He didn't ask us to jump through a bunch of hoops and meet Him somewhere up there, He crawled inside our world to meet us right where we're at. I think it's what we all crave, to be seen as we truly are and still loved. 

I liked what Jace said, "Are humans inherently evil?" Maybe if we judge people by their behavior, we would say humans are evil. But if we could see from God's perspective, we'd see the stress and fear that's driving the negative behavior, and instead see one another as harassed and helpless and be filled with compassion for each other. We'd be for one another instead of against one another. I guess that's why we're forbidden to judge, we can't do it correctly. Maybe we all judge ourselves and each other as evil and that's why we live a life of hiding and performing. (Hiding the "evil" and displaying the "good" and trying to prove our worth) We continue to eat from the tree of knowledge of "good and evil", judging what we perceive to be good and bad, instead of eating from the tree of "Life", and resting in Him. Maybe as we decide to eat from the tree of life, God begins to untwist what has been twisted. Maybe as we get off the treadmill and begin to rest in Him, the light will begin to replace the darkness and we will gradually wake up to the truth that we all have unsurpassable worth and that our creator loves us just as we are. And as that love begins to fill us, it will transform us, and overflow into those around us. Maybe as we get to know Him, we begin to understand how deeply we're loved, and we will stop hiding and performing and judging one another, and begin to live authentically with one another, loving and showing compassion to one another. 

For most of my adult life I reflected the perceived image I had of my Father, instead of reflecting who He really is. Because I saw Him as my accuser instead of my rescuer, that's what I reflected to myself and those around me. As my image of Him changes, I am being transformed. It is really not anything I'm doing, but more of what is unfolding in me as I begin to understand how deeply I'm loved. There are no words to express the spiritual, this is just my feeble attempt to put into words something that is happening in me that is more real than anything I can see or touch.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. That's how I sort things out, I write. 

Do you trust God for provision?

I often hear people say they wish they could just win the lottery so they wouldn't have to worry about money anymore. To be honest, when money is tight, I find myself wishing I could win the lottery too. That got me pondering... Why do we worry so much about money? Obviously money is the means by which we are able to obtain things that we want or need. So, are we worried about money because we're worried that our needs will go unmet? Maybe we're simply tired of living paycheck to paycheck and want the assurance of knowing that we can comfortably pay our bills each month (with maybe even a little extra just to spend how we want). Perhaps we live beyond our means and struggle to keep up the lifestyle we desire. Or we may just want more money so we can buy more stuff or do more stuff.


Since it's a very small minority that will ever win a lottery, most people trust in Plan B. The plan (at least the unspoken expectation in America) seems to be... go to college, get a good job, climb the corporate ladder and put away a nest egg for retirement. That actually sounds pretty responsible! I find myself pushing my own kids in that direction. But why do we put so much hope in that plan? Are we all supposed to live according to the same cookie cutter plan? Is this the best plan for everyone? Is that plan really so foolproof? I mean, can't we suddenly lose our jobs when the economy takes a turn and find ourselves out of work for so long that we blow through our savings just to hold on to the house? Or maybe we save up for retirement and then our spouse or child becomes very ill and the hospital bills eat up our entire savings?

The problem is when we put our hope in a plan or a system rather than in our Father who created us and who sustains us. We were never created to live by our own plans, but to be led by God's Spirit. His Spirit nudges each individual heart down very different paths? God's plan for us is so much better than any plan we could ever have for ourselves. According to His plan, we never have to worry about our needs being met. We are simply to look to Him, follow where He leads, do what He puts before us, and trust Him for our provision. He may lead one person toward a higher education and  a meaningful career. He may place a desire on their hearts to set aside a savings account (they may have in mind that they are setting that money aside for a specific purpose, but later find themselves led to use it for something they never considered).  He  may ask another to mow a lawn today and paint a house tomorrow to put food on the table. As long as we truly trust God and live in dependence on Him for everything, doing what He asks of us, we will never need to worry if or wonder how our needs will be met, we'll just know that God will provide a way. 

Mathew 6 says:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]? ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Even though God tells us that if we follow Him, He'll take care of us, we insist on living independently. We feel a sense of control as we try to orchestrate and manipulate our circumstances, other people, and even God to get what we want. We prefer to live by sight rather than by faith. Living by sight gives us an illusion of safety and security. We continue to trust our own plans and systems rather than trusting in God.  How freeing it would be if only we would live the way we were created to, trusting our Father to provide for us. Living within the means He provides and being content with whatever we're given; following wherever He leads and doing whatever He asks of us. 

I recently read about God leading His people through the wilderness with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. He provided manna from heaven for them to eat and water from rocks to quench their thirst. Their clothes and shoes never wore out. God was faithful to them and provided for their every need. The bible also compares God to a shepherd who leads his sheep to the green pastures and the still waters. He wants the best for His sheep. If they choose to wander off, they are in danger because they are not equipped to fend for themselves, but if they stay close to Him, He is able meet their needs and keep them safe.

Putting our hope in or getting our security from any source other than God is a foolish and stressful way to live. When I look back and see the incredible ways God has always provided for my family and me, it seems ridiculous that I would ever worry or doubt His provision. As I grow in trusting my Father, I begin to experience the childlike freedom and joy of not having to know how it will all work out, it's enough to know that I'm in His safe and loving hands.


²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

^{Or is it less about our needs and more about our wants? Maybe we don't want to work. Maybe we just want more money so we can buy more stuff or have the freedom to do more stuff. Maybe we are living beyond our means and don't make enough money to live the standard we want to live. What if God's intent for us was not to worry about money or our needs being met? Isn't that what we really want, the freedom not to have to worry if we are going to be able to pay our billI believe that God will take care of us if we'll just follow Him. I believe God wants us to trust him for Him for provision. I guess I better preface this with, No, I don't think God wants us to quit our jobs and sit on the couch like a couch potato or stand on the corner with our hand out and say, "Okay God, I trust you, now provide!" But I do think we were created to be dependent on our Creator. From the beginning, the fall of man was all about us wanting our independence and believing that we know what's best for us. We try to manipulate God or people or situations to get what we want. We are always looking for a foolproof formula or system that will assure us a safe and secure future. We put our hope in getting that education that will insure that we get that great job that will provide a cushy lifestyle and a little extra to set aside for a cushy retirement. I'm not against education, working, planning or saving... The problem is when we put our hope in those things that can so easily be torn away from us. One day you wake up to find that you've been let go from that great job you had. The nest egg that you saved for years for so you could have a nice, comfortable retirement is completely wiped out when moment when your spouse or child suddenly becomes ill.  25} “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life
^[

What is God inviting you into???

Sometimes I can get so overwhelmed with sadness when I see the desperate needs of the world around me and feel so utterly helpless. I say a quick prayer and then distract myself with other things so I don't feel sad. I, like so many others, find it easier to shut my eyes and ears to their cries and pretend they don't exist, rather than watch them suffer. Why do I live here and have so much and they live there and have so little? I could have just as easily been born there. Don't we, who have been giving more than we need, have a responsibility to share with those who don't have enough? I know I'm not big enough to shoulder the responsibility of all the needs of the world, but what if I just do the one thing God is inviting me into? What if everyone listened to the one thing they were invited into and answered, "Yes Lord!"? 

Recently, I was catching up on some of my favorite websites and saw an update on an orphanage in Kenya that I've been following. This particular facility was built one year ago and already the thin foam mattresses were urine soaked and in shreds and in need of replacing. When I saw the photos, my heart ached for the conditions they live in. I thought, there's got to be a better solution than replacing mattress pads every year. Then I remembered my friend Eddie Agular down the street provided me with some mattress pads from the hospital he worked at when my daughters were young and had bedwetting problems. I asked him if he could get more of those. Since these pads must be thrown away after each use, we would need a continual supply to keep sending them. He said that they are just mats that the hospital lays surgical instruments on and while not completely waterproof, they will repel some water. The hospital staff normally just throws all the ones they don't use away, so he will save them for me and I can ship them to Kenya (One man's trash is another man's treasure). He told me that as long as he has a job, he could keep providing them. I don't know yet if this will solve the problem, since they aren't actually waterproof, but if this doesn't work, we will search for something else.

This morning, my girls woke up and were trying to watch their shows on the TV in my room. That's the TV that their shows are taped on. For some reason, it wouldn't work. They grumbled and complained for a while. Finally I told them that instead of complaining about the one thing they couldn't do, to consider and be grateful for all the many things they could do. We talked about the orphans in Kenya and how those children don't have any technology to entertain them. Ellie said, "Mommy, what can we do to help them?" I told her about the hospital mats we were sending them, but didn't know if they would do the trick. Her and Emma got on the computer with me and we googled waterproof mattress pads. We live chatted with one of the companies online and they told us the products we would need to protect the mattresses and even gave us some manufacturers' contact information! The girls and I contacted them to see if they could donate some waterproof mattress pads, under pads, and maybe even some briefs/panties. We are waiting to hear. Here are some of the photos that tugged at my heart...

I believe God is constantly speaking to each of us, inviting us to share with him in healing the world. I find when I follow where he leads, there is nothing more fulfilling.

dream, dream, dream...

I had the strangest feeling just a minute ago and am still processing it...

I was making up my bed this morning and a thought came to me: "Remember the dream you had when you first moved here?" Then I suddenly remembered something that I haven't thought about since we first moved here (7-8 years ago). It was shortly after the church we were a part of started to fall apart. The curtain was pulled back and exposed just how far off track we had wandered. What began as a group of believers passionately following Jesus, had somehow evolved into a group of believers passionately following a bunch of rules.  Keith and I grieved as we watched people we had been close to for 20 years throw the baby out with the bath water. They didn't seem to know how to separate religion from a relationship with God, so they tossed them both out. Our kids seemed to feel betrayed, like the parents they trusted had somehow led them astray. I wanted to tell them I was sorry and that we never intended to hurt them. I felt a strong desire for Keith and I to wrap our arms around and minister to the group of kids that were our boys ages. They seemed so lost, like someone just pulled the rug out from under them. But we were still trying to find our way out of the box of religious performance and learn how to simply live inside Father's love. (A pharisectomy is a slow and painful process.)

This morning, when I was reminded of that dream I had so long ago; I realized it was being fulfilled at this very time. It was not something I manipulated or contrived. Keith and I never sat down and planned it out. It happened very organically, by the master gardener, through a lot of pruning. Just yesterday morning, on Mother's Day, our living room was full of young adults sitting around, feeling safe and free enough, to wrestle out loud with the scriptures. Then later that night, Alex and Drew and their friends ate over and spent the night. These young adults, who had been in and out of our home all day and shared meals with us, were the very kids that crawled out from underneath the pile of rubble that fell 7-8 years ago. Over the years, these kids have become part of our family. I had forgotten all about that dream, until God whispered it to my heart this morning. I hadn't realized that over time, God made that dream a reality?

Here is something that I didn't even realize until I sat down to type this... Sitting on this desk is a plant that Drew gave me for Mother's Day yesterday. In it is a rock with the word "dream" painted on it. Yesterday, when Drew gave it to me, he told me that there were several plants like this at Lowes, but only one with a rock in it. (Hmmm, coincidence?) Then, this morning when I got up, Drew came into the kitchen. He said, "I had a bad dream last night". I said, "That's weird, I did too, and I couldn't go back to sleep!" So we sat there this morning talking about our dreams. (Hmmm, another coincidence?) Then of coarse, there was the random thought that popped into my head as I was making up my bed, "Remember the dream you had when you first moved here?" (Hmmm, a 3rd coincidence???) Not to me!

A conversation with a friend...

Oh, I have to tell you! After I hung up with you, I got the girls out of the pool and told them to shampoo/condition their hair in the pool bathroom. While they were in the shower, I sat under the umbrella with one of the neighbors. She asked me if I would teach her son swimming lessons again this summer. Her son has some special needs and I asked how he was doing. She said, he's okay, but I'm really struggling with one of my daughters. I asked how old she was. She said, 11. I said, how long have you been struggling? She said, 2 years and it's getting worse. With tears in her eyes she said, "I'm really scared Michele". I sat there and talked with her for an hour. I shared with her the things I've been learning and some of the struggles I've had with my own kids. I told her that you and I were just on the phone talking about this very thing. She opened up to me and we had an amazing conversation. She seemed so thirsty for hope, like the woman at the well. She thanked me for the things I shared with her and seemed to feel relief that someone could relate to her and give her hope. I'm dropping off a book in her mailbox today and hopefully we'll get together for coffee soon. These are some of the "real" needs that I'm beginning to see are all around me. People who look like they have it together on the outside, but inside they're tortured. Their needs may not be as obvious as those in the 3rd world countries because they have food, clothes, and a roof over their heads, but they are people filled with pain. They are lost and hopeless like sheep without a shepherd...

I love what Wayne Jacobson says, "He likes to have real conversations about things that matter with people who care." I was thinking about how my neighbor and I got into such a meaningful conversation at the pool. It seemed so out of the blue. It wasn't something I had planned that day. She has lived in this neighborhood as long as I have (about 8 years) and we've always been neighborly. Then last summer she asked me to give her son lessons, and then in the fall she asked me to help her decorate her family room. Those 2 times we spent together opened the door for us to have some meaningful conversations. 

Sometimes I wonder if we could really see what goes on behind the scenes... Would we see God looking at all the pain in the world and hearing all the desperate cries for help and then sending his children to be his hands, feet, and voice to bring hope and healing to one another? Maybe he has specific tasks for each of us, and as we each follow where he leads, the world gets healed piece by piece. Maybe he intersected the lives of me and my neighbor so that I could share with her some of the resources that God led me to that brought me and my family healing. We don't have to understand all that he's doing, he's the orchestrator and will accomplish his will. Our job is just to love who he puts in front of us and follow where he leads, then watch his plans unfold as he heals the world through us. I think Jesus showed us how to do that in his ministry. 

Last Sunday, we talked about that with the small group that meets in our home. One of the guys said, "Sometimes I think we should be doing something great for God, but then I think maybe that comes more from my old religious background rather than coming from God." I said, I guess I don't feel that so much anymore. I feel called to love my neighbor; to reflect God's love to those I come in contact with everyday." I do think that God sometimes calls us to love our neighbor on the other side of the world, but I think if we follow where he leads us everyday, one thing will lead to another and we'll find ourselves on the other side of the world. Our flesh is tempted to want to point to the things we accomplish for God, so we can validate our faith before God and man. But I have a feeling sometimes it's the quietest lives that have the most profound consequences.

When I look at how differently we were all created (different passions, desires, talents...), I think, surely God doesn't have the same tasks for all of us. I was thinking about another guy in our group (a teacher/head coach). He was talking about one of the programs he's trying to get implemented in his school. He sees a lot of kids that are overweight and worries about childhood obesity. These kids don't fit in the "jock" category and would never play sports at school, so he wants to create a frisbee golf coarse so each kid could play at their own pace. He just got it approved and is raising $5,000.00 to create the coarse and will be doing a lot of the work himself. I think maybe that's what it looks like when we follow the promptings of the spirit, rather than try to come up with a plan to save the world and then invite God in on it. When I look at the example Jesus set for us, I see him engaged with his father and following where he leads and simply loving those he comes in contact with and offering them kindness, compassion, and healing. Even though each of us may feel like our part is small, I think as each part of the body does it's work, the mustard seed affect will be tremendous.

We're Called to Follow the "Living" God

Jesus says "follow me" 23 times in the new testament. He didn't ask us to follow rules and regulations, men and their traditions, He simply said, "Come, follow me." We're invited to follow the Living God! That's what the resurrection was all about... HE LIVES! The christian life isn't just about eternal life, it's about a relationship that begins now as we interact with our Father who lives in us. Because He lives in us, we are able to share a more intimate relationship with Him today than we could even if He lived in the flesh along side of us. 


I used to think of worship as something I did on Sunday mornings or during midweek service, as well as on Christmas and Easter. Now I see worship as my daily walk with Him. I wake up every morning aware of God's presence in me. I tune in as the living God leads me towards things that are beneficial for me and those around me, and asks me to step away from the things that will harm me. He doesn't force me or threaten me to follow Him, He gives me freedom to choose to follow or not. When I ignore His warnings, I suffer; not because He punishes me or withdraws His love, but I suffer the natural consequences of my choices. By not following Him, I may be missing out on some beautiful blessing He has in store for me. When I follow where He leads, even if it involves enduring hardship and pain along the way, I find that if you asked me if it was worth it, I'd say, Yes! 1000 times yes!


I love how God's spirit nudges me towards tasks that He specifically has for me. Things that will fill me up and delight me as well as accomplish His good works. Of coarse there are some things that He calls all His children to... (ie. love one another as I have loved you), but He also has specific tasks for each of us and in that way does not lead us all in the same direction. We each must listen to where He calls us individually. To communicate with God, we don't have to go through priests anymore, Jesus is the high priest, and He lives in us and speaks directly to us. Don't think for a minute that someone can hear God for you better than you can! He has countless ways to speak to us, externally: through the bible, music, books, poetry, films, art, people... but He also speaks individually to each of us internally. The best advice we can give another is to listen to God's spirit.


For years I felt the burden of coming up with, or joining others in, tasks that I thought would please God and heal His broken world; then I'd pray for God to be with us. I think I had it a little backwards. First of all, He is already pleased with me and nothing I can do can make Him love me more or less. Secondly, whose following who here? It's not about my agenda and my plans and inviting God in on them. Besides, how would I begin to know how to heal this broken world? He doesn't set the problems of the world on my shoulders and expect me to come up with the solutions. Only God is big enough for that. We are all just part of His body, each here to do our part as He invites us to join Him as He heals the world through us. 


Often when God leads me to a place that is good, I want to set up camp and never leave.  I reason that since so much good has come from this, surely God doesn't want me to move on? But I don't want to hold so tightly to something that I'm not willing to follow where He wants to lead me next. I find that when I try to keep something alive beyond what God intended, it begins to get a stench. I believe God has seasons for things. He may have me doing something for one season and then something completely different in the next.  I've given up on trying to orchestrate my life. The ever increasing joy and freedom of living in Him reminds me that we were never meant to live independently of Him. As I listen to His promptings and follow where He leads, I find Him leading me to some pretty incredible places.

Something worth listening to...

This is a youtube I found on director/producer Tom Shadyac. I caught him on the Ellen Show the other day and couldn't get him off my mind. He was so genuine and authentic and really had something to say worth listening to. He has done 2 documentaries, "I Am" and "Happy".  Keith and I watched "I Am" on youtube last night and it really moved us. Below is a link to a 13 minute interview Thom Hartmann did with Tom Shadyac. It will give you a glimpse into the man. Just highlight it, right click it, then click "go to address".


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3hhsVqsJNo