You've been on my mind all day. I loved hanging out with you on Sunday! Thanks for being so vulnerable with me. Makes me feel even closer to you!
You mentioned a sense of sadness you've been feeling. I remember when it began to dawn on me that so much of the beliefs that I had held so tightly to for pretty much all of my adult life were crumbling beneath me. It shook my entire world! Not only did it grieve me for myself and Keith, but for what we had passed on to our children. It has been a bittersweet awakening. On one hand, I feel like letting go of religion (not leaving the institution, but giving up religious performance) has been similar to someone opening up the jail cell and setting us free, and yet there is a part of me that still grieves the felt safety and security of what that "system" promised. Having a formula made me feel a sense of control. (Living by sight is much easier than living by faith.) They say you go through all the stages of grief with any loss, whether it be a penny or a loved one. Even now, when I see people that were so much a part of my life for 20 years, I leave the conversations with a heavy heart, because I miss the unity we once shared.
I think we may have had that whole "one another" thing a little upside down. Maybe it's supposed to be about processing our journey's together with all the hope, grief and confusion it entails, rather than trying to "fix and perfect" one another. I'm beginning to see others on this journey as fellow sojourners who, may have awakened to some things that I'm still not awake to. Or maybe God has shed some light in places for me, where for them, there is still darkness. When I see it that way, it helps me not to judge them or feel like it's up to me to prove something to them. I feel like if our lives intersect, and conversations happen, light may be shed into some dark places in each others lives. And as the light increases, so does the freedom, rest, peace, joy... the abundance of life.
I liked Dan's question on Sunday, "What does it mean to be a christian?" I've been mulling that question over in my mind. As I said, I don't like terms and labels, because they mean something different for everyone. I guess if you asked me what I believe at this moment in time, I'd say, I think Christ came to set us free from every religion, even the christian religion. I don't think He'd approve of how people use religion to separate themselves. I believe we were all created to have a personal relationship with our creator. I do believe that one way the invisible God revealed Himself to humanity and showed us how to relate to Himself was through Christ. But I also believe He continues to reveal Himself to humanity in countless other ways. For me, the incarnation of Christ is all about Him crawling inside our world and loving us at our worst. He didn't ask us to jump through a bunch of hoops and meet Him somewhere up there, He crawled inside our world to meet us right where we're at. I think it's what we all crave, to be seen as we truly are and still loved.
I liked what Jace said, "Are humans inherently evil?" Maybe if we judge people by their behavior, we would say humans are evil. But if we could see from God's perspective, we'd see the stress and fear that's driving the negative behavior, and instead see one another as harassed and helpless and be filled with compassion for each other. We'd be for one another instead of against one another. I guess that's why we're forbidden to judge, we can't do it correctly. Maybe we all judge ourselves and each other as evil and that's why we live a life of hiding and performing. (Hiding the "evil" and displaying the "good" and trying to prove our worth) We continue to eat from the tree of knowledge of "good and evil", judging what we perceive to be good and bad, instead of eating from the tree of "Life", and resting in Him. Maybe as we decide to eat from the tree of life, God begins to untwist what has been twisted. Maybe as we get off the treadmill and begin to rest in Him, the light will begin to replace the darkness and we will gradually wake up to the truth that we all have unsurpassable worth and that our creator loves us just as we are. And as that love begins to fill us, it will transform us, and overflow into those around us. Maybe as we get to know Him, we begin to understand how deeply we're loved, and we will stop hiding and performing and judging one another, and begin to live authentically with one another, loving and showing compassion to one another.
For most of my adult life I reflected the perceived image I had of my Father, instead of reflecting who He really is. Because I saw Him as my accuser instead of my rescuer, that's what I reflected to myself and those around me. As my image of Him changes, I am being transformed. It is really not anything I'm doing, but more of what is unfolding in me as I begin to understand how deeply I'm loved. There are no words to express the spiritual, this is just my feeble attempt to put into words something that is happening in me that is more real than anything I can see or touch.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. That's how I sort things out, I write.
No comments:
Post a Comment