Lately, I've noticed a negative voice in my head. This voice always seems to harshly correct or "disciple" me. I didn't even realize it was there. Maybe I've just grown accustom to this abusive voice. This time I noticed it when it said, "Don't be defensive, Don't be overly sensitive, Don't be ridiculous!" Sure sometimes I do need to let my defenses down and be open to hearing something; but sometimes the right thing to do is to "defend" myself.
I remember a time not too long ago, after being wounded, I became extremely sensitive to what people would say to me. The church I was a part of assigned each person a discipling partner, just to make sure no one fell through the cracks (or maybe it was a way to have more control over the body). This particular church was structured more like an organization... elders and staff were over large group leaders, who were over small group leaders, who were over small groups. Then each individual was assigned a partner (one person over you and one or more people under you... unless you were at the very bottom of the barrel because you were a new or struggling disciple.) If someone was over you, it was because they were "more spiritual" than you, so they were given authority over you to "disciple" you. Basically, they could put you in your place if you didn't agree with them. The higher up people were, the more spiritual they were thought to be.
One of my partners (pretty high up) was extremely harsh and controlling. I felt I could never do anything right. I was constantly corrected and put down. My motives were always questioned and my reputation tainted by her rumors. After being offended over and over again, my boundaries constantly being trespassed, my voice not being heard, having everything I said and did be twisted into lies, and being treated with no respect, her lies slowly became my truth. I began to hide inside a shell to protect myself. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself. My personality changed. I became timid and lost all confidence. Even though that person is no longer in my life, I'm realizing I've allowed her voice to continue to abuse me.
I remember a time not too long ago, after being wounded, I became extremely sensitive to what people would say to me. The church I was a part of assigned each person a discipling partner, just to make sure no one fell through the cracks (or maybe it was a way to have more control over the body). This particular church was structured more like an organization... elders and staff were over large group leaders, who were over small group leaders, who were over small groups. Then each individual was assigned a partner (one person over you and one or more people under you... unless you were at the very bottom of the barrel because you were a new or struggling disciple.) If someone was over you, it was because they were "more spiritual" than you, so they were given authority over you to "disciple" you. Basically, they could put you in your place if you didn't agree with them. The higher up people were, the more spiritual they were thought to be.
One of my partners (pretty high up) was extremely harsh and controlling. I felt I could never do anything right. I was constantly corrected and put down. My motives were always questioned and my reputation tainted by her rumors. After being offended over and over again, my boundaries constantly being trespassed, my voice not being heard, having everything I said and did be twisted into lies, and being treated with no respect, her lies slowly became my truth. I began to hide inside a shell to protect myself. I didn't trust anyone, not even myself. My personality changed. I became timid and lost all confidence. Even though that person is no longer in my life, I'm realizing I've allowed her voice to continue to abuse me.
For several years now, God has been walking me out of all that mess and healing me. He's showing me how safe I am in His love. He specifically asks His children not to lord over one another, but to love one another as He loves us. To love as God loves is to love unconditionally. It's sad that we have to clarify that true love is unconditional, but real love can be nothing less. What we call love today, is not love. To love unconditionally is to love others, and ourself, right where we/they are, not where we think we/they should be. When I notice that my thoughts toward myself or another are unloving, unkind, judgmental... I try to ask where those thoughts may have derived. It could be coming from an old wound God wants to heal, or maybe he wants to reveal something knew to me that he wants to walk me out of. I believe if I lean into Him, his spirit will continue to give me insight and walk me into greater freedom.
I noticed after coming out of the religious environment I was in for most of my adult life, one of the ways it change me was that I had become extremely judgmental. Being judged, taught me to judge. I judged everyone (including my kids, my husband and myself). I resembled "the accuser" much more than I reflected Jesus' love to myself and others. God, in his grace, has been helping me discern the difference in His voice and the voice of the accuser in my head. Satan's voice always shames and accuses me and others. God's voice is always kind and gentle and full of grace. He's in no hurry, but patient with me and looks at me with kind eyes, full of love and compassion whether I'm at my best or worst. Religion doesn't allow us to love people at different places in their journeys. It teaches us to manipulate and control people and accept them when they do what's right rather than patiently walking along side them and loving them where they are as we trust Father to lead them out of their sin into healing and freedom.
Lately, I've started paying more attention to the chatter in my head. I've noticed a bad habit I had formed of shaming myself when I'd blow it. I'm learning to bring it to God and let Him help me sort it out, rather than beat myself up. It's much more productive to look to Him and what He's doing, rather than to focus on my sin. He's much more gracious with me than I am with myself. In fact, my sin really isn't an issue for Him... He's already dealt with it on the cross. The only issue with sin for me now, since I trust Christ as my savior, is the painful consequences sin itself brings. That's why God warns us about sin, because He doesn't want us to suffer the natural consequences that sin brings. When I used to sin, I used to be terrified that I'd lose my salvation. What freedom understanding His grace has given me! The good news is that since I couldn't possibly be sinless, God (in Jesus) took care of that for me on the cross. (Rom. 3)
Now I interrupt that voice and say, "Where is this coming from God? I know that You only hate sin because it hurts us and You don't want harm to come to Your children. Walk me out of this." The more I get to know God and see that He is not the accuser ready to throw me into hell if I sin, the safer I feel to come out of hiding and be honest with him. I say things like, "So, here's where I am God, there's a big part of me that doesn't even really want to overcome this sin right now, but because I trust You that this is not Your highest and best for me, I ask You to grant me both the desire and the ability to change this in my life."
Now I interrupt that voice and say, "Where is this coming from God? I know that You only hate sin because it hurts us and You don't want harm to come to Your children. Walk me out of this." The more I get to know God and see that He is not the accuser ready to throw me into hell if I sin, the safer I feel to come out of hiding and be honest with him. I say things like, "So, here's where I am God, there's a big part of me that doesn't even really want to overcome this sin right now, but because I trust You that this is not Your highest and best for me, I ask You to grant me both the desire and the ability to change this in my life."
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